  My
fascination with music and spirituality began at age
four when my grandmother played me the sound track to
“Jesus Christ Superstar.” The impression
made by Deep Purple’s Ian Gillan, crooning and
screaming as the musical Jesus character, was that the
roles of controversial maverick spiritual teacher and
rock star are essentially the same. Despite the obvious
Christian association, I eventually came to see the
drama of Divinity played out off stage at my Uncle Howard's
Passover seders. This began a modest annual dip into
the ocean of Torah- mere foreplay for what was to come.
Growing up in a non-religious home, I explored spirituality
in books about religion and the occult. More than once,
my parents were called into school to discuss my unhealthy
obsession with “black magic.” At the age
of twelve, I learned Transcendental Meditation and began
meditating regularly. Shortly after, I discovered Kabbalah
when my father hired me to Xerox transcripts of Kabbalah
lectures given by the late Dr. David Scheinkin, who
was a student of Rabbi Areyeh Kaplan.
I learned from many books and teachers during my early
teen years. One especially potent memory was when a
therapist in my father’s medical center gave me
a tape of Ram Daas. I listened to it one day as I took
a long bus ride. Ram Daas began his talk before a large
audience with the word, “Time…” He
then proceeded not to finish the sentence, leaving the
audience in silent anticipation, until the whole room
filled with laughter. It was then that I discovered
the present moment.
Parallel to my spiritual explorations, I was also an
aspiring child musician/performer. In 1984, my “rap
group” landed a contract with Sugar Hill Records.
The somewhat silly rap song we recorded about video
games can be heard today on Rhino Record’s compilation,
“History of Rap- The Sugar Hill Records Story.”
In High School, current Chochmat HaLev bass player Josh
Miele and I recorded original pop tunes with song writer
Arthur Resnick (Under the Boardwalk, Good Lovin).’”
In 1985, I attended the High School Summer Jazz Program
at the Eastman School of Music in Rochester, NY.. One
day, while procrastinating from piano practice, I found
myself in a bookstore, engrossed in a book by Martin
Buber. Buber spoke of the essence of Judaism and Hassidism
as a lived reality, beyond the dogmas and legalities
of codified Judaism. Although Buber’s writings
are extremely difficult to understand, something in
them struck a chord with a deep, non-verbal intuition
that had been growing within me for some time: that
spirituality, in essence, is not defined by religious
complexities or mystical ideas, but by the simple quality
of one’s relationship with the reality of what
is, moment by moment.
One summer day in 1987, I had been doing some prolonged
meditative practices with a friend for several hours.
This led to a “spiritual awakening” of sorts,
in which the question mark of life seemed to be transformed
into an exclamation point. All personal struggles dropped
away, and it became obvious that the answer was to “live
for G-d.” The experience did not last, however,
and it was at that point that I really became a seeker,
searching for the simple and ultimate liberation of
that experience.
Although I had not heard of “Jewish Renewal,”
I had heard of Reb Zalman Schachter-Shalomi, and I went
to visit him in his home in Philadelphia to ask his
advice. We sat and I told him about my experience. He
advised me that I should learn everything I could about
traditional Judaism, but I should also learn from Zen.
Particularly, he wanted me to learn from Zen how to
“be with t’filin” and instructed me
to meditate with t’filin and talis.
In the Fall of ’87 I went off to pursue a Bachelor
degree in music composition at the Eastman School. Following
Reb Zalman’s advise, I explored Orthodox Judaism,
learning with the local Chabad rabbi. It was during
those four years of music school that I first connected
to traditional Jewish living, as well as Hassidic singing
and story telling. However, there was something missing.
At the end of the day, Chabad Judaism was dependent
on Orthodox ideology; it did not lead beyond religion
to the simplicity that I was searching for.
After graduating in 1991, I moved to the Bay Area.
In 1993, after giving up a potentially successful career
as a corrupt salesman of heating and air conditioning
systems, I began teaching piano for a living. In the
mid nineties, I started a Jewish progressive rock band
called
“Captain Zohar.”
Throughout the nineties, my search took the form of
thinking and writing. In 1998, I realized that all of
my thinking and writing did not bring me even one step
closer to the Truth. It was then that it occurred to
me that perhaps it was the thinking mind itself that
was preventing access to the simple liberation I was
searching for. In that moment, I made a vow to constantly
receive the present moment as it presented itself without
excess thinking, judgment or interpretation. I was beginning
to take the second half of Reb Zalman’s advise.
This precipitated a second awakening process which
lasted for about a week. Unlike the first awakening
eleven years earlier, this was not a temporary experience
but an initiation into the way of being that I had sought
after. Over time, it became apparent to me that Jewish
practice could be approached as a way to awaken oneself-
to move beyond the conditioned mind and personality,
and into the freedom of the present. In this way, life
becomes a sacred communion with that One Reality so
celebrated in Judaism. With this realization was born
“Torah of Awakening”- my work as an instigator
of spiritual awakening in people within a Jewish context.
I called Reb Zalman again and told him what happened.
He suggested that I connect with some particular people
in the Bay Area, and this led me to Avram Davis and
the Berkeley Jewish meditation center, Chochmat HaLev.
During the next few years, I became involved with CHL,
where I helped create the popular musical Friday night
services through band direction and composition of original
prayer music. I became certified as a Jewish Meditation
teacher through CHL and continued my Jewish learning
informally. In 2006 I became part of the interim leadership
team while CHL looked for new rabbinic leadership.
Today I work with Rabbi SaraLeya Schley and Cyrise
Beatty as a spiritual teacher, music director and rabbinic
intern. I live in Oakland with my wife Lisa and our
two year old son Eidan, to whom I owe constant gratitude
for helping me stay on a true path and keep far from
cheap, egocentric and hedonistic substitutes for G-d.
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